" * You are alive all right. Since you are right there breathing.

  - Does being alive mean that you get involved with others or do something for them?

  * What?

  - The surface world is full of wounds, the world of nabari is also full of wounds.

    As they accumulate, only more new wounds will be created.

    Why does everyone keep getting involved with others?

  * Cause in the end, people can't survive without doing so. That is how it is.

  -  I can´t do anything other than to wound others so I am definitely not alive.

---

  * Wheter you are alive or death, my door is open for you.

     You can always come back here and just use this place for shelter when it rains."

Nabari no ou

“I HATE THEM – ALL OF THEM. GODDAMN BASTARDS. I could kill them ALL with my bare hands. The men – those men – those disgusting, revolting assholes. Grabbing with greedy hands – taking – taking - always taking."

"First of all, the art of living; then as my ideal profession, poetry and philosophy, and as my real profession, plastic arts; in the last resort, for lack of income, illustrations."

Paul Klee

Shame on me!

Today I have several reasons to feel ashamed.

First of all, because I spent my whole weekend doing pretty much nothing apart from eating and thinking about this new guy. Now, this is shameful because the guy is obviously not interested and because I am bathing in comfort food thanks to my disappointment and my lack of sleep through an awful last week.

Second, because I am falling into my old habit of getting depressed... ruining my grades... behaving like an idiot... bitching whenever I am well enough to speak and doing nothing. I just think about stupidities; almost never leave home and make ridiculous plans for moments to come.

Third, because I spent hours wondering why  I'm alone now, where are my friends, why I cannot find a motivation why I'm not going nuts over the things I love as I usually am. Where does it come from this need to feel pain? to mess up the things which really matter for me? this crave to hide from the world?

Today I was supposed to give an essay for my "Heidegger" class. I read the texts. I had the topic and what did I do? Oh, little old moi sat in front of the computer and got to think the whole f***ing morning! I did not go to college, I barely moved from my chair and I was not even surfing on the net. I felt like a zombie. The only two things which gave me a kick were a movie and my cousin begging me to go to his speech at the congress. Speech to which I accepted to go since Saturday; actually, I even did editing work on it. Nevertheless, today it seemed completely trivial to go to my cousins speech! I love my cousin we are like siblings and this was important for him! After he and a mutual friend called me I felt horrible for not going. I found myself in front of the mirror (without having even taking a bath at 4pm) wondering: what the hell is wrong me? Finally, after a lot of dragging myself around the house I was ready to go. I arrived 30 minutes late after being forced to pay way too much money for a cab so I could arrived and see my lovely cousin and my friend.

The movie I mention before was: "The spirit". I had not seen it but finally,a friend who loves comics bought it and borrow it to me so I could watch it. He, in agreement with the critic, said it was crap. He warned me over the phone that he could only stand it for 30 minutes or so because then he was so annoyed that he placed the dvd in its box and never gave it a second look until I asked if he had finally watch it.

I watched it in two sections, 1 hour before going to my cousins debut and the rest when I got back.

Fortunately or unfortunately I do not know the comic. My only comic references are some batman issues (I totally loved The Long Halloween ones), some Spiderman issues,  a little of Civil War and some X-men. However, I had hopes for this movie since Frank Miller was in charge. I liked the movie. I did not like the story too much... but I fell for the image. I enjoyed the way it all looked like watching a play at the theater mixed with photoshop cuts out. I loved the atmosphere the scenography and the light were able to create and, the cat was just way to cute for me to resist (lol).

Now I am thinking that I'm safe being in love only with images, with colored dreams, with those enchanted shapes and words that inhabit a pencil.

When your lips were red: I had everything and the rain was merely an apathetic literary mood.

When your lips were red, I could see through them: secret messages and smelled the scent of morning coffee.

When your lips were red: there were no lonely twilights or artificial smiles.

When your lips were red, I was writing the first happy chapter of this book and, now the pages seem lonely.

Your lips are not red anymore. Smoky gray took the place of that bright color and I am all too human for its desperation.  

A look in the mirror.

Yesterday, I found this Iranian website and started reading some of the articles there. I have a kind of bond to Iran and because of it I read cultural as well as general news featuring this country.
Today, I tripped over "Flying Solo", she has this column named "Coffe an Conversation" -http://www.iranian.com/main/2009/aug/coffee-and-conversation- where she publishes a sort of dramatic story. I read the issue number 4 and I liked it so much (I enjoyed her writing wholeheartedly) that I wanted to read the rest for which I went to the firt issue. After reading it and being a bit shocked by the incredible abruptness of Solo and her ironically romantic perspective on men, I had to mull over this phrase:

"You , me, all women live the romances we truly deserve. So, look in the mirror and start anew."


Peculiar is to say that I am somehow halfway between these two opposites: Mira and Solo. As an afterthought, I got to think, as many times before, about the men in my life.
I grew up surrounded by men and I learned devastating facts thanks to it. My father was, to put it kindly because as a dad he is not that bad all together, not the best example of a romantic part. My brothers are not much better than him.
I must say that I will never forget when I was entering my puberty how my older brother behaved, disclosing to me facts about the way he behaved with women to end it with a phrase of the sort "This is so you know how things are and you will not behave stupidly".
I have behaved like a total idiot more than once and, in that same fashion I have cried.
I am so particularly obsessive and giving when I really fall for someone that I wonder how much good my brother's preparations and the images from all the other men (family and friends) around me did to me.
I have trust issues... I never feel sure that I am getting all there is from men and they have a hard time because somehow with me they have to overcome two things: first, that I am not ambiguous at all (when I say no it means no and, when I say yes it means hell yes!); and second, that to be with me is like eternal counceling... I need to go over what went wrong and decipher why it went wrong and figure how not to make it that way again.
Due to the statements above I am not very popular with men. When I feel bad about something I split it out and I am very clear with what I want... men tend to have problems with that, probably because afterward they will have no excuse as to a misunderstanding.

When I think about my relationships I wonder a lot... many a time I have allow the guy to think he may use me so I can use him, with my conscience free of guilt, because I cannot deal with something real and, even less with a guy head over heels for me when I am just having fun.
I am curious to see if out there somewhere is a guy who can deal with my issues and me, while imagining me naked and putting up with my sense of romance. Is there anyone that open-minded and passionately caring?


I have to say this here. I met this guy... tall, gorgeous lips and hands, great personality, creative interests... I find him terribly cute. I cannot say I like him-like him because I have barely seen him 4 times or so but he makes me so curious. My regular me says go for it be clear about how you feel... my composed me tells me if he is as curious as you are he would be doing something, don't fret, watch, wait. I'm bad waiting I have no patience for that. I like to get my answers quite soon after the question is born. Chickening out? who, me?

Leyend.

I experience, now, the desire to describe a particular moment as if I could engrave it with words.
I was so nervous, thinking about my dress, selfconcious about the contrast between its gray and the white of my socks. Tasting my red lip-stick with good measure, containing the impulse to bite my lips.
I trespassed different faces, without really taking them in, Today I did not want to observe, I wanted to watch him.
My heart accelerated in anguish, it was impossible to stop, he was there: looking straight at me. His posture snatched a sigh from my breath and my eyes, which were desperate not to fall in the abysm of his, were looking for something to hold on to: The title of the book in his hands or the image from its cover, maybe the color of the jacket he wore... or the configuration of his fingers, the tone of his lips... oh, my eyes! again straying from their path!

Je te promets by Zaho

T'aimerai que je te dise, que je t'aimerai toute ma vie

t'aimerai que je te promets, toute mes nuits jusqu'à l'infinie

t'aimerai que je te suive, a jamais sans faire de bruit

et que je comprenne tous ceux si sans que tu le dise

et je ne pourrai te dire, ce que je ne sais pas

et je ne pourrai te donner, ce que je n'ai pas

et je ne pourrai te fuir, même si tu nous sépare

tous ce que je te promets c'est un nouveau départ

J'aimerai que le temps s'arrête lorsqu'on se parle

et qu'apparaisse en plein jour dans le ciel, un milliard d'étoile

pour que je fasse un Vœu, sans que mon soleil se voile

et qu'on puisse être a nouveau, deux sans se faire ce mal

et je ne pourrai te dire, ce que je ne sais pas
et je ne pourrai te donner, ce que je n'ai pas
et je ne pourrai te fuir, même si tu nous sépare
tous ce que je te promets c'est un nouveau départ

et j'aimerai me cacher, sous tes paupières

pour que tu puisse me voir, quand tu fait tes prières

et j'aimerai les casser toute ces lumières

celles qui t'empêches de voir, un peu plus clair

et je ne pourrai te dire, ce que je ne sais pas

et je ne pourrai te donner, ce que je n'ai pas

et je ne pourrai te fuir, même si tu nous sépare

tous ce que je te promets c'est un nouveau départ