About Dad.

Lately, I've been feeling that my time with my father is running out. He seems ever so aprehensive to see me standing on my own two feet and so worried that he is somehow going to miss that, that it has made me to reflect over death.
My family is so much of a circus. We do not quite belong together and probably I am the one that fits less due to the age gap. To lose someone you love is a blow difficult to afront and given that my ralationship with my brothers is not the best I am almost ready to be blamed for anything at this point but today I witness how someone had to face the fact that he would never have another chance to mourn over the most beloved person he had and I've got to think if maybe I have not misjudge some of my dad's gestures.
Dad would never tell me he is proud of me, I have long ago quit hoping for it. I doubt there is nothing in my life he can be proud of. Perhaps he is only pointingut how many other things there is for me to reach.
I have always thought he had this preference for my brothers because they were males but, maybe, somewhere along the way he expected me to toughen up and I did.
I have commited many mistakes in my life, good mistakes. The kind of mistakes that help you understand things about yourself that you had lost or simply had never realized were there. He has judged me by them strongly and has also disapproved of many of my life decitions; but at the end of the day he would still stop in his tracks and wait for me to stand up, wait for me to keep moving forward.
On certain occasions, he does this sorta dorky jokes or comments. I believe tonight that he does when he realizes that I am getting uncomfortable and it is simply trying to make me think about something else because if there is someone awkward around family gatherings of any kind that is me.

I doubt he understands fully what is going on in my head but the truth is I do not know him all that well either. I just know he loves the campside, he feels withering whe he has not the entertainment of the soil he inherited and the animals he has made an effort to make appear 3 out of 12 or 14 of 5, only God knows how mathematic works when his land is involved but he loves it there. I know he enjoys that in that town he lives, half the population knows who he is and that he likes the expresso afternoons at the park. I know he likes his old bike not only because he feels no one will mess with it because it is old but because in some degree he reflects over that vehicle so much history that bike has. He always tries not to interfere too much with anyone's life and his children are no exception, he would only tell us I can do no more than give you the tools. I wonder why he forgot about that when he left, I wonder if that woman he was with was that good to make him forget about us, about me. When he walk away from home was when I understood daddy was no superman and I got so mad; but truth be told if he had super powers then all he achieved, all he push us to reach wouldn't have been so meaningful.
He would never turn his back on us because he knows one way or the other we are string enough and he would look down on us with such severity not because he did not love us -make no mistake I am as certain as I am of my name that he loves us so much that we just can't understand it- but because he knew we we are able to stand by ourselves because he teached us to.
Although my feelings for daddy are mixed, I know too that I love him. He is Dad after all ;).